Tales from the Tests – Australia

Geoff Wellsteed is in Australia for the Ashes and sends his reflections on the first four Tests .

REFLECTIONS ON THE MELBOURNE TEST (Fourth Test) 26-27 December

The National Lottery is quite a simple game really. Strictly regulated, you buy a ticket and hope your numbers come up.

The Melbourne Test was rather a more complex lottery where the playing conditions were uncertain, and low numbers were particularly prominent.

A post-match inquest will inevitably investigate how such a surface, which heavily favoured the bowlers, could have been deemed as satisfactory for such a showpiece event. Don't be surprised if the curator is in the dole queue before too long.

England love a run chase, (so why did they decide to bat first on two occasions earlier in the series?), and eventually got over the winning line but not without a few scares. Set to score 175 batting last after twenty wickets fell on Day 1, (Aus 152, Eng 110) and then Australia were dismissed in less than two sessions on Day 2 for 132, was a steep climb.

Duckett batted like a drunkard but squeezed out 34 vital runs, Crawley the Tonbridgian with 37 runs, along with 40 from Bethell who was born in Barbados but educated at Rugby School, both looked rather more assured. The latter, only 22 years, without a first-class century and in front of 90k+ spectators contributed a very well made 40 when under huge pressure. How proud would his late grandfather, who played first-class for Barbados between 1964 -70, have been of his achievement? Very.

Root (15), Carse (6) and Stokes (2) all made minor scores before perishing, but in came Brook and with a few outrageous hits won the match for the visitors. The Barmies, waved their flags, and went through their repertoire of songs while the Aussies sat glumly, barely believing what had unfolded before them.

Expect to see a lot more of Jacob Bethell over the next decade. Had he got 50 (no one did in the entire match) and been there at the conclusion of the contest he might have got the Man of the Match award, but that rightly went to Josh Tongue for his seven wickets. He finished the first Aussie innings with consecutive ball dismissals but was denied the new ball by Stokes at the start of the second innings. Given that Boland, out for a golden duck, was the last Australian wicket to fall in their first knock and then opened as nightwatchman in the second, Tongue could possibly have achieved a hat-trick and have had the same batter out twice in consecutive balls! The mean England captain denied him that chance and the statto's the opportunity to record a unique hat-trick. Shame!

Perhaps the biggest surprise of the Test was the fact that Mitchell Starc was not the influence he had been in the first three matches. Like Boxer in Animal Farm, he had worked so hard but, perhaps, was spent? Not quite like Orwell told it but on this occasion, the lions beat the kangaroos. Lovely jubbly!

Finally, a quiz question. Five England cricketers have been born on Christmas Day. Name them!

PS...from my last blog.....the nine England Test players with only three letters in their surname are:- Kabir Ali, Moeen Ali, CB Fry, Leslie Gay (double International) Rob Key, Harry Lee, Peter May, Chris Old, and Jason Roy.

REFLECTIONS ON THE THIRD TEST (Adelaide) 16-20 December
Do you believe in miracles? Do you think the impossible can, very occasionally, be achieved? Well, on the morning of Day 5 a good number of England supporters were unduly optimistic about England's prospect of chasing down 435 runs, and especially when the target was reduced to less than 100 with three wickets still in hand. Of course, it was never going to happen, but it must be said England did restore a degree of respectability by only losing the match by 83 runs.

To rewind. England went into this match at rock bottom after two crushing defeats, and after Australia had scored 371 in their first innings. Then the Poms had been reduced to 42-3 and things had plummeted to new depths. Now, the harsh reality is that England have lost the Ashes series in 11 days.

Criticism is rife. Mc Cullum's commitment to Bazball has been trashed. Ironically, the only cricketer on the field capable of playing that style of the game is an Aussie! Travis Head is a belligerent hitter and his admiring fans are now wearing 'Travball' printed T-shirts!

So what have we gleaned thus far? Talented but inconsistent, Crawley played an innings of class and maturity and is England's leading scorer in the series (despite a pair in the first Test). We need more big scores from him. Duckett clearly does not understand the science of magnetism. By playing virtually every ball he attracts the edge. Ben, learn the meaning of repel! Pope has lost his faith. He needs spiritual help from a sabbatical. Surely he can't play at the MCG cathedral of cricket? Root is struggling a bit but is a fixture. First name on the teamsheet. Brook is the most talented boy in the class, but is a cad. He reels off a string of glorious strokes and then gets out to the most outrageous, irresponsible shot. The headmaster must give him a hundred lines, ' l must not be a silly boy'.

I'm sorry, but Jamie Smith is not a wicketkeeper. He is the worst England gloveman in my memory. If you think that is an unfair assessment than tell me who has been an inferior performer since, say WW2. Stokes has to play but apparently there is some disharmony in the camp? He needs to sort that. He visibly had an onfield spat with Archer.

I'm sure Will Jacks is a wholehearted cricketer and a lovely lad, but he is not the best spinner in England. I can honestly say I have seen much better spinners in club cricket. The Aussies treated him with contempt (2-105 and 1-107). No one can doubt the commitment shown by Carse, but he can't, or won't, or more likely is under instruction, to bowl short. Bowled and LBW are dismissals ruled out if you continually deliver bouncers. He must bowl length and line. Archer had a good match with bat and ball. Tongue was solid and made a decent contribution.

Overall, it's a sad story and even more depressing is the fact that if a best XI were to be selected from the two teams l think only two Englishmen, possibly three, Root, Stokes and Brook would be guaranteed a place. That ratio tends to suggest to me at least one more defeat in the series?

Despite all the gloom here is a little brainteaser for you. How many England Test players can you identify with only three letters in their surname? I've got nine.
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REFLECTIONS ON THE BRISBANE TEST (Second Test) 4-7 December

As certain as the Nunc Dimittis always follows the Magnificat it was a sure-fire thing that England would lose wickets early on Day 1 to Mitchell Starc. And so it proved – England were two wickets down after 2.3 overs! Duckett and Pope both back in the hutch with blobs against their respective names. Later Jamie Smith and Brydon Carse also suffered the same fate, and had that annoying little yellow duck running across the TV screen.

Joe Root, chest puffed out, was magnificent and recorded his long-awaited maiden hundred down-under (138 not out). Crawley, reeled off a string of exquisite shots, but he plays so loosely he never gives the impression of longevity at the crease. Gone at 76 when a big hundred was required. He was bowled by, surprise inclusion, Michael Neser who bowls, like Boland, medium-fast, length and line. You miss, l hit. It was a case of a Tonbridgian, dismissed by a guy with a second forename of Gertges, once of Todmorden and born in the Transvaal.

Disgracefully, Brook and Smith gave their wickets away with poor shots. Archer, sporting a heavy gold chain round his neck, which glinted under the floodlights, saved the day with some belligerent hitting but was 325-9 enough on a blameless surface? At least it gave the Barmies something to be buoyant about in the very few pubs which remain open here after 9.30pm.

Day 2 was a complete and utter shambles. Poor leadership from Stokes, persistent short bowling, weird field placings and schoolboy fielding errors. Dreadful is a fair descriptor. Every one of the Aussies reached double figures and had secured an overnight lead of 44 with four wickets still in hand. England are staring defeat in the face.

If Day 2 was hapless then Day 3 was even worse. Australia, (who, by the way, never miss an opportunity to taunt the Brits and greeted them at Brisbane air terminal with a huge illuminated sign displaying the message, Convicts 1 Poms 0), extended their innings to an all-out total of 511. By the close England were shamefully 134-6 in thirty=odd overs.

The Gabba(toir) is located on Vulture Street and like raptors the Aussies ripped England apart. The tourists embarrassingly surrendered like a family of small garden birds (of which great, blue and long-tailed are varieties).
On Day 4 Stokes and Jacks showed that a modification of Bazball is an option and both batted sensibly through a session and a half and added 96 to the score at barely three an over, but once they had both been dismissed at 224 and 227 the last four reverted to Bazball tactics and added a mere 14 runs. The hosts wasted no time in scoring the 69 runs needed for victory in ten overs.

Twenty thousand Aussies turned up the volume and loved the humiliation of the old enemy. The Barmy Army, ever faithful and always amusing, retaliated with an adaption of the National Anthem singing.....'long to reign over YOU'!! But not as things stand on the cricket field.
Starc, married to Alyssa Healy, was the Man of the Match with 8 wickets and 77 runs. It occurs to me they may be the first heterosexual married couple to play Test cricket since Roger and Ruth Prideaux? Must check that.

Next stop Adelaide.
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FIRST TEST – PERTH
Dejection (day 1 afternoon, England 172ao). Elation (day 1 close, Australia 123-9). Optimism (day 2 afternoon, Australia set 205 to win). Humiliation (day 2 evening, Australia win by 8 wickets).

These four simple one word descriptors vividly sum up this two-day crazy extravaganza. The whole match aggregated a mere 141.1 overs. What can we say and learn from the ashes of this first exchange? Well, when winning the toss, the accepted norm is to bat, but the current England team profess to prefer chasing.

When they won the spin of the coin they elected to bat. What influenced the change? England had the quickest bowlers. Both Archer and Wood (150 km per hour) bowled faster than Starc, but the left arm Aussie has the ability to wobble the ball. High quality wobble seam at 145km is more difficult to play than out and out pace. Giving him, the best three-format bowler in the world, first use of a pitch that the experts said would be at its best for batting on day 2 was, arguably, suicidal.

Traditionally Perth pitches offer steep bounce that makes England's commitment to Bazball a high-risk strategy until batters can get in and adjust to the conditions. Patience is a virtue, but apparently outwith the approach of the visitors. OK, Travis Head played 'Bazball plus', and had a strike rate of 148, but he is very familiar with the rock-hard surface. England are not and stubbornly, avoided warm-up matches. Head was exceptional (and so is his high-sided haircut!). He treated all the England quicks like naive net bowlers.

Brendan McCullum has a reputation as a great psychologist, but trying to rebuild the shattered confidence of a Stokesy team will require a biblical miracle. Never, before have l seen the England captain look so deflated and helpless as he did for the entirety of Australia's second innings.

There are vast numbers of England supporters here and they undoubtedly deserved more application from their team. Instead, they were on the end of some fearful ridicule from euphoric Aussies who love nothing more than to indulge in abusive pommie bashing.

Footnote

It had absolutely no impact on the result of the match, but Jamie Smith was given out caught on review by the third umpire after a five-minute examination of the available footage.

Apparently, the technology used over here (different from England) has a two-frame gap between the pictures and the sound wave. Former, highly respected international umpire, Simon Taufel, said that the conclusive evidence protocols with the real-time snickometer are such that if a spike is evident up to one frame after the ball has passed the bat that is conclusive evidence of a legitimate dismissal.

He concluded the third umpire could, and should, have pulled the trigger much quicker. All that might have some technical justification, but it is extremely difficult for more than 50,000 spectators watching on the big screen to be convinced by such logic when the spike occurs after the ball is beyond the bat. And you thought football's VAR was bad!!